A Deep Breath

So over the past couple of weeks several of my sorors have written blog post or notes on facebook. I admire them for having the courage to expose their feelings and thoughts like that. Today I broke down. Today I need to talk to someone and I went through the 409 contacts in my cellphone and thought to myself, "no one would understand." So I logged into facebook to write a note and thought to myself, "HELL to the NO, I am definitely not putting my business out there like that! these mf'ers don't know me! So I took A DEEP BREATH and decided to blog it....

I myself am a poet, but have been stricken with a lack of words over the past couple of years. The funny thing about my lack of words is that, I don't have words because I have nothing to say, but I have no words because I have too much to say. The last three and a half years of my life have been full of great minutes and gloomy hours. I have fought through sweltering heat and blistering cold, painful truths and stories left untold.

However, I have fought. Yes, you are right I did give up, I have fallen short, I have hit rock bottom over and over again and even though I have struggled to get up and try it again, my feet only grace the top of the sand.

Today has been a rough day for me....but here is the thing, nothing abnormal happened.....

I always have a plate full of shit going on in my life, I always have 30 hours of things to do and there is always only 24 hours in a day. I always have 10 bills to pay with only enough money to pay 1 of them. There has never been a day when I got a paycheck for the six days a week I work that was not already spent (before I even see it). My sands has always been a little selfish and a tad bit inconsiderate, my boyfriend has never been able to do anything for me because his mommy and daddy takes care of him. On top of that, me and my boyfriend always argue. I never want to be in a relationship. My mother always owes me money or can never help me when I need her. I never have friends.... I always go hard! I always given 100% when everyone else gives 25%

So the hardships of today are nothing I have never experienced. However, today when I took A DEEP BREATH I felt like I wanted it to be my last breath. I feel like crying with dried out tear ducks. I feel pain in my chest in a spot that is empty and cold.... Today I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today there is no hope for tomorrow.

So as I swim in a pool of sorrow.....making short strides in this ocean called life, I struggle to keep my head above water. I write out my pain, listen to my therapy called music, and take a deep breath....because really I can't do shit.... but go with it....