Jealousy Green

I wear robes of crimson and cream....
Yet your eyes are tinted with the hue
of jealousy green....
And its pretty fun....bcuz
honestly you don't even know me!
But you have something "personal"
against me....
But like the rain on the back of a duck
Your bitterness rolls right off me.....

A Break

Today I needed a break! I needed to get away from Mount Pleasant, get away from him, get away from shammers, and get away from stress!!

I had soo many plans and so many people to see in the city... But no one considered me! My feelings or my dreams! So I was trapped!!

People have no fucking consideration!! I swear!! But when I get on my own pace and beat niggas want to look at me funny!!

Damn I can't wait until I get my money right!

If you only knew

If you only knew
What really runs through my mind when I think of you
I wish you knew
How irritating are the things you do...
I wish you knew how easy it would be for me to leave you!
And yeah it may hurt but
If you only knew how
Quick I could get over you!
If you only knew how many dudes say... Fuck you!!
They think I shouldn't be fucking with you!
If you only knew what "he's just a friend" really means
You would see what I mean
When I say if you only knew!
This could be all over today

Good Times

Cool summer breeze
Sitting worry free
Whispers of the night
stars illuminate the sky
Ahh good times

Convenience of You

Bitter Sweet the convenience of being with you
safe so I find security in staying with you
From the rain I found protection with you....
Yet this thing called us is something
I struggle to do....
Honestly you deserve better than what I can be...
Stifled by love, I urn to be free
Free from the constraints of your time and labels
of your mind....
I wish to dance to the beat of a drum that is mine!
But up this mountain I continue to climb
wasting time,
there is never a right time to say good bye
Bitter sweet the convenience of being with you
because through the dark times the sun
always seems to shine through..
So I sit here like a chess game
contemplating my next move......

Prayer

Patience, Peace, Happiness, Strength and Humility all subjects of my everyday prayer.... and constant battle with life! I have experienced the glory of having all five of them and how good it feels to live with those qualities....Yet there is only so much I can bare in this life.... I'm going to snap any day now.... and not just one of the minor break downs I normally have! I'm going to really blow up!! I'm a ticking time bomb!

So I drop to my knees and beg God to save me! even though he will never put more on me than I can bare, to the sky stare because I'm unsure if I can persevere.

"God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I can not change,
courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference,
Accepting hardships as the pathways to peace, living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time...."
AMEN

Sweet Feelings

I love the way he makes me smile... And the charming things he says to me!! Getting to know this beautiful dove, is soo intriguing! A great frienship I hope this turns out to be.... Or maybe one day he will be the man I marry!! The perfect ending to my story you know my brown sugar! But he is almost too good to be true somewhat like a fairy tale! I wonder what he sees in me? Maybe I found someone who appreciates my inner beauty!

Can't wait!

Its funny how you comprise for other people feelings...yet they rarely stop to consider yours... Its the little things that count in life! Btw I hate working on other's time! (Singing) naaa naa naaa na wait til I get my money right! Oooo ooohhh

Dreams

I'm dreaming of a place
where I wish to be
A place with a father who loves me
a mother who understands me
a friend who spares my back of their knife
A place where I sleep easy at night
a state of inner peace
a place where my soul is free
I'm dreaming of a place
where I will be happy
a place where the hard work of my feet
plant seeds of success
a place where I have the strength
to fight to my destiny
I am dreaming of a man who appreciates
my inner beauty
not the roundness of my booty
I am dreaming of family unity
I am dreaming that I will be all that I can be.....

Speaking to the Mirror

Warm body
cold feet
broken heart
no food to eat
wired teeth
no words to speak
glossy eyes
no where to hide
silent tears I cry
thick thighs
faceless guys
hours, seconds, and minutes
time wasted
mirror imagine
but who's in it?
fighting for strength
loosing peace
searching for understanding
clouds dance
the wind blew
birds sing
humility grew
I'm alone
where are you?

Heart Attack

There is this pain in my chest and hole in my stomach
Speaking empty words
Crying dry tears
Running from the reality of facing my fears
Is anyone out there?
Doubts of self worth
Full plate of food no fork
Sweet scents, got a whiff
5 senses but I cant smell it
I cant taste it
and I sure as hell don't feel it
numb to emotion so I feel emotionless
but its these emotions that got me jones'n
for the answer to an unasked question
Loneliness has my body feening for another hit
as I struggle to quit
I just stepped out the pool of self hatred
into the ocean of life's confusion
feeling like I'm not worth it and I will never deserve it
hard work doesn't seem to pay off
so I'm ready to quit
tired of fighting the bullshit
this hole in my stomach wont quit growing
and the pain in my chest gets stronger with every set back
on this journey to inner happiness.....
I don't think I can endure much more of this....

Eye of the Storm

I am standing in the eye of the storm waiting for this battle to end
Looking around but I find no friends
Feeling the blood run through my veins but that's where it ends
because in the end.... by myself is where I have always been
A distant father and overbearing mother....
A mother that never took time to care about getting to know me
because she is wallowing in her own pain of unfortunate endings
And her attention is for my younger siblings
A father that never wanted me....
Born into a life of short ended sticks
A fragile little soul....whisked away with the wind
Searching for love in men
never to find it in the end....
As the thunder grows louder my wall gets taller
When the hour wines down....
My pain cries out but as lightening strikes
the world hears no sound....
So I am a girl that stands in the middle of the crowd
All alone in the eye of her storm....
Speaking often but never saying a word

Cover Girl

I wish I could be that girl, that a man loves unconditionally
the girl that he calls wifey because he can see himself spending
the rest of his life with me.
I wish I was the girl he took home to meet his mom
the girl all his friends respected....
Now I know I'm not tall and thin
or light skin with long hair
I don't look like Tyra Banks or the video girls....
But oh how I dream to have a man fall in love with me
and not the love between my knees....
I wish I could be the girl by his side.. not just the girl
he calls when he needs to get right in the middle of the night
I wish I could be a man's cover girl!
I wish I could be the girl that wears his ring, the mother of his seed
not the girl who has to whisper when his phone rings.
I wonder what it will take for me to be....
For me to be appreciated for my inner beauty
My intelligence and perseverance through the hand that has been
dealt to me!
I want to be love for my passion for mankind
not the thickness of my thighs
I'm so tired of being the girl on the side being called your
quote on quote ride or die.... But our relationship we have to hide
I want to be respected for my hard work....
For being a struggling college student working three jobs, taking five classes,
and being involved in countless extracurricular activities....
Not for how freaky I can be....
I want to be his cover girl.....
I want someone who will love me for the real me!

Can He See Me?

This is an older piece of my work....

Man I wonder, can he see me?
I know what you are thinking,
he's laying right next to me.
And it was just five minutes ago
when he reached his climax inside of me!
it was just five minutes ago when
his heavy breathing exemplified how much he enjoys me.
But wait, I don't think he can see me??
I am so serious...
And no I am not crazy!
As I lay here with this fine piece of man next to me
I want to know
I want to know does he really see me?
Does he look in my eyes and see
the depth of my soul?
the struggle of my past?
the pain I cant let go?
As he kisses down my stomach
he comes up for air and whispers in my ear
but i wonder... Can he see me?
Does he recognize my broken heart
or sense the void that tears me apart?
Or is it just the warmth of my juices
that intrigues him?
So I question can he see me??
You know the inner beauty?
Or can he not get pass the slow seductive
sway of my hips as I'm on top of him?
I can see him!
But as I lay here, this quote on quote understanding
is not giving me the stability or security I need
Now I'm wondering does he even deserve me?
Am I just another name added to his list of victories?
Of course not silly, is what I tell myself
all those amazing qualities inside of you?
Everything that shines right through you?
What?
Only a fool wouldn't appreciate you!
I look at his closed eyes and roll over as I tell myself...
Girl! You're tripping He already told you!
No titles... understand that right now he is just enjoying
getting to know you
His eyes will gradually open right?
And if not...its cool because
reduced and limited to an understanding is
probably the best thing for you....
So I closed my eyes and once again tried to sleep....
But wait, it just doesn't seem right to me....
why should he get the best of me physically
if he cant open his ears, heart, mind and eyes
to see me emotionally, mentally, and most of all
appreciatively!
There is sooo much more to me! Damn I could just scream!
I'm laying in my red boy shorts looking over the bed at the
pile of clothes next to me...
mad because i know this boy cant see shit about me!
Then he turns and puts his arms around me....
I just lay there...
suddenly feeling calm...dozing off to sleep
i guess for now i have to be complacent with a mere understanding.
and even if he cant see the layers of me....
he can hear the passion in my moans as he climbs inside of me....
As least that's what I convince myself.....
but when the sun rises and we through up the ACES
no hugs or kisses
I have to ask myself....
Do you think he will ever see you?

Thoughts of Insomnia

For the last couple of days I have been suffering from a severe case of insomnia..... This has given me a ton of time to think about things. I have learned three things in the midst of my lack of sleep. Well, I already knew these things, but I just actually admitted them or should I say accepted them. Yeah that's it, I have grown to accept three things over the last couple of days.

1. I'm broke and no matter how much money I make or how many of my wants I pass on, I will still be broke.
2. My boyfriend gets on my damn nerves, and I can not live another day or week with him. I need my own space and vehicle.
3. I have a weakness for temptation..... yes that's right, I love the attention, admiration, and all the game my groupies try and run on me! So I keep freaks on deck for the entertainment when my life gets boring.

Confessions of a broken heart

When things are going well they are really well!! Like life is great! When the sun shines boy does it really shine! However, when it storms man ol' man does it fucking storm! Lately, I have definitely been in the midst of a storm and I try to be positive and think that the sun will shine eventually. And a few bright rays have definitely broken through my clouds of melancholy...
But there is one thing that the sun hasn't been able to brighten.... My relationship and my feelings towards relationships. My boyfriend is a great man and I do love him. However, I am not in love with him and he gets on my damn nerves! Idk how much longer I can torture myself or try and make myself fall in love with him! Especially when I have such close relationships with my ex's. More specifically the guy who I gave my innocence to, and my high school sweetheart who I am in love with. Both of these men are in way different places in their lives than I am. The first guy has a child and a girlfriend, plus he lives a busy life in the streets! My high school sweetheart is married with a little baby...
So that leaves me as being the other woman once again. And I'm not sure if that's where I want to be. But I'm also not sure if I want to be in a relationship!! Ugh!! I could just scream... I'm lonely, pissed off, and have a ton of misplaced affection and emotion... Maybe my issues with men come from my lack of a relationship with my father? Or maybe I've let Mr. Right slip by... Or maybe I should give more of a chance to that guy, the guy who is lame or comes at me all wrong, or maybe the guy who gave me his number in my fb inbox? Or what about the guy that only wants to fuck...maybe If give it to him good enough he will think about actually trying to get to know me or love me...
Nope, I think I'm just supposed to be single forever! But until then... My boyfriend better get his shit together!! Before his application is Denied!!

5 Star Gentlemen

His strength inspires me!
He saw through the smoke and
embraced the fire in me
I have no doubt that this man loves me
especially different and unconditionally!
He felt my pain and he healed it
This man is amazing,
sometimes I think he is too good for me,
like he is everything a woman needs....
by loneliness my soul was captured
and he set it free
He listened to my unspoken confessions
He saw the story behind my eyes and
with little acts of love he eased the tension
of my mind.
How lucky am I to have a beautiful black man
like him by my side.
Through the agony of the night
his strong arms held me tight....
And when he dived into my passion
his warmth melted my heart
which was once frozen by the dark
the darkness of my past
untold stories and unlaughed laughs...
And as my pillows were filled with tears
it was him who wiped away my fears....
Loving me for who I am, oh how do I love this man!
This 5 Star Gentlemen

to hell with you

Everyone has been on hard times lately.... but they keep throwing out "good old" sayings.... little statements of motivation...like...... "after the storm the sun shines", "God never puts more on yo than you can handle", "don't worry the only way you can go it up once you've hit rock bottom", "things will get better for you, just keep your head up" but this one is my favorite "there are people who have things way worse than you"... Well you know what... to hell with those people! Because let me tell you exactly how bad things are for me... and before I proceed let me assure you that this is not a pity party.... just a moment of clarity! An opportunity for me to speak of my life's woes! because some of you think you know.... but you have no idea.... Likewise, I completely
understand that everyone has seen tragedy and hardship in their day.

Oh but today.... today I almost lost it!

I have two bank accounts! One has a balance of $1.11 and the other has a balance of NEGATIVE $55.00...... on top of that I have to maxed out credit cards both of which has a $300 balance, those bills were due on July 9Th.....I paid them on the 12Th....

On July 15Th (three days ago) my phone bill and first months rent for my lease that begins in august. My phone bill is 250 dollars and my first rent payment is 380 dollars. But that's no big deal right?? WRONG for the last two months I have been homeless and car less and now I'm jobless. Yes that's right, I know what you are thinking..."Girl stop being dramatic, things can be worse....what about those people who have it way worse than you?"

To hell with them people!

My father gave me a broke down car and now refuses to get it fixed. On top of that he knows that i am homeless and jobless but he doesn't give a damn to ask me if i need anything or if i am okay and handling it!

My mother just got evicted, her car got reposed, and her lights were cut off for the past week! One of my sisters failed the eight grade, the other one is in summer school because she failed two classes, my youngest brother threaten to kill everyone on my mothers side of the family, and my oldest younger brother is an eighth-grade drop out living life off of a pipe dreaming thinking everyone owes him something.....

So to those of you who are about to tell me things are worse for other people! To hell with you and to hell with them!

I do not believe in a woman living off of a man and I damn sure do not believe in shacking up.... but for the last two months I have depended on my boyfriend more than I have depended on any man or other person in my life! Words alone could not express how much I appreciate this man (but I'll save that for another post).

Back to the subject at hand.... idk how much more of the bottom I can take... I'm tired of working three and four jobs to not make enough money to pay my damn bills.... I'm tired of bill collectors calling my phone.... I want to just give up! I'm tired! I'm so damn tired of feeling alone because I am afraid to open up and discuss my issues....because discussing sounds like complaining and venting sounds like wining....
Whatever you think I am doing or whatever your opinion of this post maybe....to hell with you....because you aren't helping me!!

Our youth

Recently I've been thinking about the lack of positive role models for our African American youth. Then I thought about the people in my life and the strong black men and women who have influenced me. What I noticed is that many of my role models are women and men who are still growing in themselves and still facing adversity everyday. Many times we get caught in our own sadness and tragedies of life, thinking that no one will ever "understand" or they are not facing issues just as difficult as the issues we are facing! But it is that mind set that causes us to shut people out. It causes us to feel as though we are experiencing this great slighted life. Almost in a sense of feeling as though we are the victim. When really everyone is experiencing some type of pain or happiness, and they are dealing with it in their way.

She spoke to me of tactfulness
She expressed her pains
the speed bumps of her expressway to life
Her everyday struggle and constant fight....
She told stories of her Lansing projects and
the hunger pains haunting her nights
But it was her anecdotes of glory that motivated me
her perseverance that drove me...
I hesitated to express my common woes
because I thought to myself she could never know
Know the story of my war wounds
my battle with insecurities and nutritional disabilities
I thought to myself how could she ever relate
to my daddy leaving me and my hunt to fill the void
with the love of useless boys
Whats the point of telling her about my mommy
and how much my family depends on me?
But her wisdom you see her wisdom touched me....
she was a broke little black girl just like me
and her family was crazy too
Her support and motivation to push through school came from
within
her deep desire to prove all the doubters wrong
She stood strong and pushed on and on until
she reached her place of peace
and even though she is still suited for war
her life has grew to so much more
And only Lord knows what else is in store.....
This beautiful black women...
She took time to guide me....
and greatness was the only thing she was accepting
A Smoove Operator...
She read through my silence and cut through my empty words
And when my knees were weak she attempted to carry me
Oh how sisterly... now I'm charged with the same duty
The duty to guide, to motivate, to seek and find
the little black girl hiding
hiding behind pain, name brand jeans, freaky dances,
and angered filled arguments.....

Questions of my feet

As I journey down the road of life
what answers do you have to the
questions of my feet?
I sing the song of a fatherless daughter
as I dance to a broken heart beat.
I've laid in beds of faceless sheets
searching for what I thought was the key
the key to an empty entrance
an entrance to still waters that run deep
begging God for serenity and peace
buried in prideful humility

How come my mother's hunger pains
are felt through my body?
And my siblings tears are weeped through my eyes?
How come I fight the fight of poverty's battle.
Striving to keep my head above the water
creating new paths for my unborn son or daughter.

You can't understand my pain
You don't see my struggle when you look at me
only the angry black woman I am belittled to be
my thick thighs and size double d
the arch in my back and sway of my hips
But I am not just another chick to try and "hit"
or little black girl on scholarship

It is not my 10,000 dollar a year education

you see when you look at me.

It is not my dedication and tenacity

or my passion for my community.

So what answers do you have to the questions of my feet?

Doubts of Glitter, Love of Gold

When I glaze into the night I see a series of stars illuminate the sky.
As my steps are guided with my eye on the light.
With my mouth closed can you hear the words that I speak.
You think I'm rude, when really its just my heart that is bruised.
No longer am I the person I thought I knew.
Through sleepless nights and emptied pockets my humility grew.
I embodied the courage and purity I needed to be one with you.
I vowed to wooded strength and exercised endurance.
I pushed through the rain letting the water roll down my back.
And as I look back there is not a minute that I would take back.
Yet I question was it really worth it?
When everything that glitters isn't gold.
She told me to hold fast to the love of those
Those unique three and their ways to glory.
Yet I question the hypocrisy of thoughts that are unforeseen and the equilibrium of my being.
The subliminal doubt of my mind evokes the emergence of my heart's love.
The personal devotion to strong emotion and how thankful I am
that I know thee.
Thee unrelenting person that is me.
So I phase two a place of greater understanding.
Everything that glitters isn't gold and life wouldn't be much if there weren't bumps in the road.
After the refreshing mist of squeezed lemons,
Its back to business and kinship....

Straight Up??

Earlier this week I was thinking about how childish dudes are.... It just burns me up when dudes lie on their penis or try to ruin a female's reputation because she wouldn't give him any play.

When I was a freshmen in college, several football players tried to talk to me and I didn't give them any play... next thing I knew the rumor was "TaNisha is a stuck up bitch and a hoe, she would let anyone fuck" However, I hadn't even given any of these dudes my phone number let alone let them taste the goodies....

Yesterday, I was at the corner store with my older sister and my niece's mother. These guys walked up and grabbed my arm like, "damn cutie whats your name?" I turned to him and said, "you done lost your damn mind grabbing me like that!" So his reply was, "damn its like that? Can I get your number lil mama?" I laughed and replied, "hell naw!" Then turned away and said "you look like a hoe anyways bitch!"

I wasn't even shocked.... but I definitely felt he was out of control!!

A couple of days ago, one of my Nupe sands called my boyfriend and was like, "hey, you are my man and I just wanted to let you know that one of my frat brothers brought your girl's name up and was pretty much calling her all types of hoes and what not." But he didn't tell my boyfriend who it was or details of what he said.

So my boyfriend called me and told me what happened.... I was instantly pissed!! Not because my sands called him and not because someone called me a hoe!

Shit, niggas and hating as females are always quick to call someone a hoe! On top of that I knew exactly who he was talking about and why he was mad at me!

And here is my problem....

I absolutely hate is when dudes get made at females and start to calling them hoes and try to ruin their reputation....

In this particular case, the guy is mad at me because he had been trying to get my goodies for about a year now....and I always play him. Well recently, one of his other females questioned me about our interactions and I told her the truth...Shit, what did I have to lie for?? I don't have anything to hide! And secondly, he shouldn't be mad at me because if he kept his game tight....he would be able to keep his females in check and she would not have questioned me!

Okay... let me stop ranting and get back to my point....

Just because I didn't give you a taste doesn't mean that you have the right to try and dog me or ruin my damn reputation!

A Deep Breath

So over the past couple of weeks several of my sorors have written blog post or notes on facebook. I admire them for having the courage to expose their feelings and thoughts like that. Today I broke down. Today I need to talk to someone and I went through the 409 contacts in my cellphone and thought to myself, "no one would understand." So I logged into facebook to write a note and thought to myself, "HELL to the NO, I am definitely not putting my business out there like that! these mf'ers don't know me! So I took A DEEP BREATH and decided to blog it....

I myself am a poet, but have been stricken with a lack of words over the past couple of years. The funny thing about my lack of words is that, I don't have words because I have nothing to say, but I have no words because I have too much to say. The last three and a half years of my life have been full of great minutes and gloomy hours. I have fought through sweltering heat and blistering cold, painful truths and stories left untold.

However, I have fought. Yes, you are right I did give up, I have fallen short, I have hit rock bottom over and over again and even though I have struggled to get up and try it again, my feet only grace the top of the sand.

Today has been a rough day for me....but here is the thing, nothing abnormal happened.....

I always have a plate full of shit going on in my life, I always have 30 hours of things to do and there is always only 24 hours in a day. I always have 10 bills to pay with only enough money to pay 1 of them. There has never been a day when I got a paycheck for the six days a week I work that was not already spent (before I even see it). My sands has always been a little selfish and a tad bit inconsiderate, my boyfriend has never been able to do anything for me because his mommy and daddy takes care of him. On top of that, me and my boyfriend always argue. I never want to be in a relationship. My mother always owes me money or can never help me when I need her. I never have friends.... I always go hard! I always given 100% when everyone else gives 25%

So the hardships of today are nothing I have never experienced. However, today when I took A DEEP BREATH I felt like I wanted it to be my last breath. I feel like crying with dried out tear ducks. I feel pain in my chest in a spot that is empty and cold.... Today I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today there is no hope for tomorrow.

So as I swim in a pool of sorrow.....making short strides in this ocean called life, I struggle to keep my head above water. I write out my pain, listen to my therapy called music, and take a deep breath....because really I can't do shit.... but go with it....