Jealousy Green

I wear robes of crimson and cream....
Yet your eyes are tinted with the hue
of jealousy green....
And its pretty fun....bcuz
honestly you don't even know me!
But you have something "personal"
against me....
But like the rain on the back of a duck
Your bitterness rolls right off me.....

A Break

Today I needed a break! I needed to get away from Mount Pleasant, get away from him, get away from shammers, and get away from stress!!

I had soo many plans and so many people to see in the city... But no one considered me! My feelings or my dreams! So I was trapped!!

People have no fucking consideration!! I swear!! But when I get on my own pace and beat niggas want to look at me funny!!

Damn I can't wait until I get my money right!

If you only knew

If you only knew
What really runs through my mind when I think of you
I wish you knew
How irritating are the things you do...
I wish you knew how easy it would be for me to leave you!
And yeah it may hurt but
If you only knew how
Quick I could get over you!
If you only knew how many dudes say... Fuck you!!
They think I shouldn't be fucking with you!
If you only knew what "he's just a friend" really means
You would see what I mean
When I say if you only knew!
This could be all over today

Good Times

Cool summer breeze
Sitting worry free
Whispers of the night
stars illuminate the sky
Ahh good times

Convenience of You

Bitter Sweet the convenience of being with you
safe so I find security in staying with you
From the rain I found protection with you....
Yet this thing called us is something
I struggle to do....
Honestly you deserve better than what I can be...
Stifled by love, I urn to be free
Free from the constraints of your time and labels
of your mind....
I wish to dance to the beat of a drum that is mine!
But up this mountain I continue to climb
wasting time,
there is never a right time to say good bye
Bitter sweet the convenience of being with you
because through the dark times the sun
always seems to shine through..
So I sit here like a chess game
contemplating my next move......

Prayer

Patience, Peace, Happiness, Strength and Humility all subjects of my everyday prayer.... and constant battle with life! I have experienced the glory of having all five of them and how good it feels to live with those qualities....Yet there is only so much I can bare in this life.... I'm going to snap any day now.... and not just one of the minor break downs I normally have! I'm going to really blow up!! I'm a ticking time bomb!

So I drop to my knees and beg God to save me! even though he will never put more on me than I can bare, to the sky stare because I'm unsure if I can persevere.

"God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I can not change,
courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference,
Accepting hardships as the pathways to peace, living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time...."
AMEN

Sweet Feelings

I love the way he makes me smile... And the charming things he says to me!! Getting to know this beautiful dove, is soo intriguing! A great frienship I hope this turns out to be.... Or maybe one day he will be the man I marry!! The perfect ending to my story you know my brown sugar! But he is almost too good to be true somewhat like a fairy tale! I wonder what he sees in me? Maybe I found someone who appreciates my inner beauty!

Can't wait!

Its funny how you comprise for other people feelings...yet they rarely stop to consider yours... Its the little things that count in life! Btw I hate working on other's time! (Singing) naaa naa naaa na wait til I get my money right! Oooo ooohhh

Dreams

I'm dreaming of a place
where I wish to be
A place with a father who loves me
a mother who understands me
a friend who spares my back of their knife
A place where I sleep easy at night
a state of inner peace
a place where my soul is free
I'm dreaming of a place
where I will be happy
a place where the hard work of my feet
plant seeds of success
a place where I have the strength
to fight to my destiny
I am dreaming of a man who appreciates
my inner beauty
not the roundness of my booty
I am dreaming of family unity
I am dreaming that I will be all that I can be.....

Speaking to the Mirror

Warm body
cold feet
broken heart
no food to eat
wired teeth
no words to speak
glossy eyes
no where to hide
silent tears I cry
thick thighs
faceless guys
hours, seconds, and minutes
time wasted
mirror imagine
but who's in it?
fighting for strength
loosing peace
searching for understanding
clouds dance
the wind blew
birds sing
humility grew
I'm alone
where are you?

Heart Attack

There is this pain in my chest and hole in my stomach
Speaking empty words
Crying dry tears
Running from the reality of facing my fears
Is anyone out there?
Doubts of self worth
Full plate of food no fork
Sweet scents, got a whiff
5 senses but I cant smell it
I cant taste it
and I sure as hell don't feel it
numb to emotion so I feel emotionless
but its these emotions that got me jones'n
for the answer to an unasked question
Loneliness has my body feening for another hit
as I struggle to quit
I just stepped out the pool of self hatred
into the ocean of life's confusion
feeling like I'm not worth it and I will never deserve it
hard work doesn't seem to pay off
so I'm ready to quit
tired of fighting the bullshit
this hole in my stomach wont quit growing
and the pain in my chest gets stronger with every set back
on this journey to inner happiness.....
I don't think I can endure much more of this....

Eye of the Storm

I am standing in the eye of the storm waiting for this battle to end
Looking around but I find no friends
Feeling the blood run through my veins but that's where it ends
because in the end.... by myself is where I have always been
A distant father and overbearing mother....
A mother that never took time to care about getting to know me
because she is wallowing in her own pain of unfortunate endings
And her attention is for my younger siblings
A father that never wanted me....
Born into a life of short ended sticks
A fragile little soul....whisked away with the wind
Searching for love in men
never to find it in the end....
As the thunder grows louder my wall gets taller
When the hour wines down....
My pain cries out but as lightening strikes
the world hears no sound....
So I am a girl that stands in the middle of the crowd
All alone in the eye of her storm....
Speaking often but never saying a word

Cover Girl

I wish I could be that girl, that a man loves unconditionally
the girl that he calls wifey because he can see himself spending
the rest of his life with me.
I wish I was the girl he took home to meet his mom
the girl all his friends respected....
Now I know I'm not tall and thin
or light skin with long hair
I don't look like Tyra Banks or the video girls....
But oh how I dream to have a man fall in love with me
and not the love between my knees....
I wish I could be the girl by his side.. not just the girl
he calls when he needs to get right in the middle of the night
I wish I could be a man's cover girl!
I wish I could be the girl that wears his ring, the mother of his seed
not the girl who has to whisper when his phone rings.
I wonder what it will take for me to be....
For me to be appreciated for my inner beauty
My intelligence and perseverance through the hand that has been
dealt to me!
I want to be love for my passion for mankind
not the thickness of my thighs
I'm so tired of being the girl on the side being called your
quote on quote ride or die.... But our relationship we have to hide
I want to be respected for my hard work....
For being a struggling college student working three jobs, taking five classes,
and being involved in countless extracurricular activities....
Not for how freaky I can be....
I want to be his cover girl.....
I want someone who will love me for the real me!

Can He See Me?

This is an older piece of my work....

Man I wonder, can he see me?
I know what you are thinking,
he's laying right next to me.
And it was just five minutes ago
when he reached his climax inside of me!
it was just five minutes ago when
his heavy breathing exemplified how much he enjoys me.
But wait, I don't think he can see me??
I am so serious...
And no I am not crazy!
As I lay here with this fine piece of man next to me
I want to know
I want to know does he really see me?
Does he look in my eyes and see
the depth of my soul?
the struggle of my past?
the pain I cant let go?
As he kisses down my stomach
he comes up for air and whispers in my ear
but i wonder... Can he see me?
Does he recognize my broken heart
or sense the void that tears me apart?
Or is it just the warmth of my juices
that intrigues him?
So I question can he see me??
You know the inner beauty?
Or can he not get pass the slow seductive
sway of my hips as I'm on top of him?
I can see him!
But as I lay here, this quote on quote understanding
is not giving me the stability or security I need
Now I'm wondering does he even deserve me?
Am I just another name added to his list of victories?
Of course not silly, is what I tell myself
all those amazing qualities inside of you?
Everything that shines right through you?
What?
Only a fool wouldn't appreciate you!
I look at his closed eyes and roll over as I tell myself...
Girl! You're tripping He already told you!
No titles... understand that right now he is just enjoying
getting to know you
His eyes will gradually open right?
And if not...its cool because
reduced and limited to an understanding is
probably the best thing for you....
So I closed my eyes and once again tried to sleep....
But wait, it just doesn't seem right to me....
why should he get the best of me physically
if he cant open his ears, heart, mind and eyes
to see me emotionally, mentally, and most of all
appreciatively!
There is sooo much more to me! Damn I could just scream!
I'm laying in my red boy shorts looking over the bed at the
pile of clothes next to me...
mad because i know this boy cant see shit about me!
Then he turns and puts his arms around me....
I just lay there...
suddenly feeling calm...dozing off to sleep
i guess for now i have to be complacent with a mere understanding.
and even if he cant see the layers of me....
he can hear the passion in my moans as he climbs inside of me....
As least that's what I convince myself.....
but when the sun rises and we through up the ACES
no hugs or kisses
I have to ask myself....
Do you think he will ever see you?