Thoughts of Insomnia

For the last couple of days I have been suffering from a severe case of insomnia..... This has given me a ton of time to think about things. I have learned three things in the midst of my lack of sleep. Well, I already knew these things, but I just actually admitted them or should I say accepted them. Yeah that's it, I have grown to accept three things over the last couple of days.

1. I'm broke and no matter how much money I make or how many of my wants I pass on, I will still be broke.
2. My boyfriend gets on my damn nerves, and I can not live another day or week with him. I need my own space and vehicle.
3. I have a weakness for temptation..... yes that's right, I love the attention, admiration, and all the game my groupies try and run on me! So I keep freaks on deck for the entertainment when my life gets boring.

Confessions of a broken heart

When things are going well they are really well!! Like life is great! When the sun shines boy does it really shine! However, when it storms man ol' man does it fucking storm! Lately, I have definitely been in the midst of a storm and I try to be positive and think that the sun will shine eventually. And a few bright rays have definitely broken through my clouds of melancholy...
But there is one thing that the sun hasn't been able to brighten.... My relationship and my feelings towards relationships. My boyfriend is a great man and I do love him. However, I am not in love with him and he gets on my damn nerves! Idk how much longer I can torture myself or try and make myself fall in love with him! Especially when I have such close relationships with my ex's. More specifically the guy who I gave my innocence to, and my high school sweetheart who I am in love with. Both of these men are in way different places in their lives than I am. The first guy has a child and a girlfriend, plus he lives a busy life in the streets! My high school sweetheart is married with a little baby...
So that leaves me as being the other woman once again. And I'm not sure if that's where I want to be. But I'm also not sure if I want to be in a relationship!! Ugh!! I could just scream... I'm lonely, pissed off, and have a ton of misplaced affection and emotion... Maybe my issues with men come from my lack of a relationship with my father? Or maybe I've let Mr. Right slip by... Or maybe I should give more of a chance to that guy, the guy who is lame or comes at me all wrong, or maybe the guy who gave me his number in my fb inbox? Or what about the guy that only wants to fuck...maybe If give it to him good enough he will think about actually trying to get to know me or love me...
Nope, I think I'm just supposed to be single forever! But until then... My boyfriend better get his shit together!! Before his application is Denied!!

5 Star Gentlemen

His strength inspires me!
He saw through the smoke and
embraced the fire in me
I have no doubt that this man loves me
especially different and unconditionally!
He felt my pain and he healed it
This man is amazing,
sometimes I think he is too good for me,
like he is everything a woman needs....
by loneliness my soul was captured
and he set it free
He listened to my unspoken confessions
He saw the story behind my eyes and
with little acts of love he eased the tension
of my mind.
How lucky am I to have a beautiful black man
like him by my side.
Through the agony of the night
his strong arms held me tight....
And when he dived into my passion
his warmth melted my heart
which was once frozen by the dark
the darkness of my past
untold stories and unlaughed laughs...
And as my pillows were filled with tears
it was him who wiped away my fears....
Loving me for who I am, oh how do I love this man!
This 5 Star Gentlemen

to hell with you

Everyone has been on hard times lately.... but they keep throwing out "good old" sayings.... little statements of motivation...like...... "after the storm the sun shines", "God never puts more on yo than you can handle", "don't worry the only way you can go it up once you've hit rock bottom", "things will get better for you, just keep your head up" but this one is my favorite "there are people who have things way worse than you"... Well you know what... to hell with those people! Because let me tell you exactly how bad things are for me... and before I proceed let me assure you that this is not a pity party.... just a moment of clarity! An opportunity for me to speak of my life's woes! because some of you think you know.... but you have no idea.... Likewise, I completely
understand that everyone has seen tragedy and hardship in their day.

Oh but today.... today I almost lost it!

I have two bank accounts! One has a balance of $1.11 and the other has a balance of NEGATIVE $55.00...... on top of that I have to maxed out credit cards both of which has a $300 balance, those bills were due on July 9Th.....I paid them on the 12Th....

On July 15Th (three days ago) my phone bill and first months rent for my lease that begins in august. My phone bill is 250 dollars and my first rent payment is 380 dollars. But that's no big deal right?? WRONG for the last two months I have been homeless and car less and now I'm jobless. Yes that's right, I know what you are thinking..."Girl stop being dramatic, things can be worse....what about those people who have it way worse than you?"

To hell with them people!

My father gave me a broke down car and now refuses to get it fixed. On top of that he knows that i am homeless and jobless but he doesn't give a damn to ask me if i need anything or if i am okay and handling it!

My mother just got evicted, her car got reposed, and her lights were cut off for the past week! One of my sisters failed the eight grade, the other one is in summer school because she failed two classes, my youngest brother threaten to kill everyone on my mothers side of the family, and my oldest younger brother is an eighth-grade drop out living life off of a pipe dreaming thinking everyone owes him something.....

So to those of you who are about to tell me things are worse for other people! To hell with you and to hell with them!

I do not believe in a woman living off of a man and I damn sure do not believe in shacking up.... but for the last two months I have depended on my boyfriend more than I have depended on any man or other person in my life! Words alone could not express how much I appreciate this man (but I'll save that for another post).

Back to the subject at hand.... idk how much more of the bottom I can take... I'm tired of working three and four jobs to not make enough money to pay my damn bills.... I'm tired of bill collectors calling my phone.... I want to just give up! I'm tired! I'm so damn tired of feeling alone because I am afraid to open up and discuss my issues....because discussing sounds like complaining and venting sounds like wining....
Whatever you think I am doing or whatever your opinion of this post maybe....to hell with you....because you aren't helping me!!

Our youth

Recently I've been thinking about the lack of positive role models for our African American youth. Then I thought about the people in my life and the strong black men and women who have influenced me. What I noticed is that many of my role models are women and men who are still growing in themselves and still facing adversity everyday. Many times we get caught in our own sadness and tragedies of life, thinking that no one will ever "understand" or they are not facing issues just as difficult as the issues we are facing! But it is that mind set that causes us to shut people out. It causes us to feel as though we are experiencing this great slighted life. Almost in a sense of feeling as though we are the victim. When really everyone is experiencing some type of pain or happiness, and they are dealing with it in their way.

She spoke to me of tactfulness
She expressed her pains
the speed bumps of her expressway to life
Her everyday struggle and constant fight....
She told stories of her Lansing projects and
the hunger pains haunting her nights
But it was her anecdotes of glory that motivated me
her perseverance that drove me...
I hesitated to express my common woes
because I thought to myself she could never know
Know the story of my war wounds
my battle with insecurities and nutritional disabilities
I thought to myself how could she ever relate
to my daddy leaving me and my hunt to fill the void
with the love of useless boys
Whats the point of telling her about my mommy
and how much my family depends on me?
But her wisdom you see her wisdom touched me....
she was a broke little black girl just like me
and her family was crazy too
Her support and motivation to push through school came from
within
her deep desire to prove all the doubters wrong
She stood strong and pushed on and on until
she reached her place of peace
and even though she is still suited for war
her life has grew to so much more
And only Lord knows what else is in store.....
This beautiful black women...
She took time to guide me....
and greatness was the only thing she was accepting
A Smoove Operator...
She read through my silence and cut through my empty words
And when my knees were weak she attempted to carry me
Oh how sisterly... now I'm charged with the same duty
The duty to guide, to motivate, to seek and find
the little black girl hiding
hiding behind pain, name brand jeans, freaky dances,
and angered filled arguments.....

Questions of my feet

As I journey down the road of life
what answers do you have to the
questions of my feet?
I sing the song of a fatherless daughter
as I dance to a broken heart beat.
I've laid in beds of faceless sheets
searching for what I thought was the key
the key to an empty entrance
an entrance to still waters that run deep
begging God for serenity and peace
buried in prideful humility

How come my mother's hunger pains
are felt through my body?
And my siblings tears are weeped through my eyes?
How come I fight the fight of poverty's battle.
Striving to keep my head above the water
creating new paths for my unborn son or daughter.

You can't understand my pain
You don't see my struggle when you look at me
only the angry black woman I am belittled to be
my thick thighs and size double d
the arch in my back and sway of my hips
But I am not just another chick to try and "hit"
or little black girl on scholarship

It is not my 10,000 dollar a year education

you see when you look at me.

It is not my dedication and tenacity

or my passion for my community.

So what answers do you have to the questions of my feet?

Doubts of Glitter, Love of Gold

When I glaze into the night I see a series of stars illuminate the sky.
As my steps are guided with my eye on the light.
With my mouth closed can you hear the words that I speak.
You think I'm rude, when really its just my heart that is bruised.
No longer am I the person I thought I knew.
Through sleepless nights and emptied pockets my humility grew.
I embodied the courage and purity I needed to be one with you.
I vowed to wooded strength and exercised endurance.
I pushed through the rain letting the water roll down my back.
And as I look back there is not a minute that I would take back.
Yet I question was it really worth it?
When everything that glitters isn't gold.
She told me to hold fast to the love of those
Those unique three and their ways to glory.
Yet I question the hypocrisy of thoughts that are unforeseen and the equilibrium of my being.
The subliminal doubt of my mind evokes the emergence of my heart's love.
The personal devotion to strong emotion and how thankful I am
that I know thee.
Thee unrelenting person that is me.
So I phase two a place of greater understanding.
Everything that glitters isn't gold and life wouldn't be much if there weren't bumps in the road.
After the refreshing mist of squeezed lemons,
Its back to business and kinship....

Straight Up??

Earlier this week I was thinking about how childish dudes are.... It just burns me up when dudes lie on their penis or try to ruin a female's reputation because she wouldn't give him any play.

When I was a freshmen in college, several football players tried to talk to me and I didn't give them any play... next thing I knew the rumor was "TaNisha is a stuck up bitch and a hoe, she would let anyone fuck" However, I hadn't even given any of these dudes my phone number let alone let them taste the goodies....

Yesterday, I was at the corner store with my older sister and my niece's mother. These guys walked up and grabbed my arm like, "damn cutie whats your name?" I turned to him and said, "you done lost your damn mind grabbing me like that!" So his reply was, "damn its like that? Can I get your number lil mama?" I laughed and replied, "hell naw!" Then turned away and said "you look like a hoe anyways bitch!"

I wasn't even shocked.... but I definitely felt he was out of control!!

A couple of days ago, one of my Nupe sands called my boyfriend and was like, "hey, you are my man and I just wanted to let you know that one of my frat brothers brought your girl's name up and was pretty much calling her all types of hoes and what not." But he didn't tell my boyfriend who it was or details of what he said.

So my boyfriend called me and told me what happened.... I was instantly pissed!! Not because my sands called him and not because someone called me a hoe!

Shit, niggas and hating as females are always quick to call someone a hoe! On top of that I knew exactly who he was talking about and why he was mad at me!

And here is my problem....

I absolutely hate is when dudes get made at females and start to calling them hoes and try to ruin their reputation....

In this particular case, the guy is mad at me because he had been trying to get my goodies for about a year now....and I always play him. Well recently, one of his other females questioned me about our interactions and I told her the truth...Shit, what did I have to lie for?? I don't have anything to hide! And secondly, he shouldn't be mad at me because if he kept his game tight....he would be able to keep his females in check and she would not have questioned me!

Okay... let me stop ranting and get back to my point....

Just because I didn't give you a taste doesn't mean that you have the right to try and dog me or ruin my damn reputation!